...continued

so yesterday though at 1am(?) i was too tired to write, i was not too tired to get into a 2.5 hour convo with Sweetheart that went into 4:30AM. sometimes i don't know why i spend so much effort on us. last week or so we spent 7 consecutive hours on the phone and all was well. last night he's not sure if he's happy.

the good thing about last night is that we got to air our dirty laundry. the bad thing is that we have a lot of dirty laundry.

i knew what most of the issues with us were, except for one and we talked about them last night.

the distance actually isn't the cause of the problem.
1. he thinks i dont take the relationship as seriously as he does; that his feelings for me are stronger than mine for him
2. he thinks i dont value his opinion or ask for it ever.
3. i keep in touch with "exes". i quote the term cuz to me the ppl i keep in touch with are not a big deal, and this issue actually surprised me. the issue to me is that this non-issue to me is an issue to him.

Issue#1- ouch. i can't fix that, i show my emotions how i show my emotions. and yeah, we've both been burned pretty bad before so there's a lot of complex baggage intertwined to this issue.

Issue#2- so much of what has happened lately involves my career dilemma. he JUST now got his first corporate job, i on the other hand have dealt with my corporate world for two years full-time and two years before that during summer internships. he takes it personal that i dont ask for his advice or dismiss it as too simple. i do openly admit to him that i dont ask for his advice cuz i ask it of people who are in situations more similar to mine, or have more experience than i do. he started his first 'real' job a month ago. and even so, the company he
works for i know has a very different culture than where i work

Issue#3- is he serious?! on principle alone i get so mad that this is an issue and just want to stop speaking to him for having to justify myself. as independent as I am and as loyal as I am he is crazy to bring this up. it's a guy ego thing, apparently cuz he has no reason to explain why he doesnt like it other than it just annoys him. he's never asked me to not speak to my exes but i feel that now everytime I mention a friend as a "he", the suspicion in his voice is obvious. he's never kept in touch with an ex and is convinced that exes that keep in touch are because they will get back together. he also really thought last night that i like call one of my exes regularly for advice. was he really serious? if i remember bdays and for some major holidays i might send an email.

but why does all this even matter? in a few weeks i may just go home for a new job anyway, so he and i wouldn't be a couple ANYWAY. this is so stupid. and no, im not gonna be eloquent about it, it's just stupid. and i get mad cuz it's a big deal to me, but i reason that it shouldnt be but it still feels that way. why am i fighting a potential losing battle, why cant i just cut my losses now- move home, move on, and start anew... aargh.