1 month and 4 days

It's been a month since I quit my last "good job", aka, the Corporate Gig from hell and I've been up to a few things. I'll summarize before I elaborate:


1- Took a 10 day vacation to see London and Paris.

2- Went to Disney World

3- Temping as a "live-in-nanny", and if hey, I start teaching them Spanish, I guess I can call myself an au pair.

4- Had one job interview and maybe 3 different phone screenings.

5- Learned how to make lasagna.

Europe:
I never had time to do anything when I was working. I got to save money but then didn't have the time to spend it on something I like to do: travel. I figured I'd start looking for a job after getting back from Europe, why not? I took advantage of a good friend I have who currently lives in London and took advantage of another great friend (and now former co-worker) I have in Paris, le city of love.

Mickey Mouse:
Sweetheart and I broke up, no surprise there. However, before heading to London (and after breaking up) I flew to visit him for a weekend where he kept true on his promise to one day take me to Disney.

The Nanny:
How do I go from living alone for the past two years in unfamiliar cities and states to living in a house with three children under the age of six? I think I've found my moneymaker. Someone please go get me a reality show.

Jobs
I'm currently looking for a "real" job. I've had two phone screenings that I flopped on. In one, I thought the company was really big so I mentioned to the manager that I wouldn't want to work for a small company. Later when I didn't get a callback I found the company had about 300 employees. Another potential interview I think I blew was when I asked to speak to Cesar many times over, and the HR person was indeed named Carl. Oh well, my third phone interview/screen landed me an in-person interview with a very prestigious media organization (I'm currently waiting to hear back from them).

Lasagna
It's nice to be home despite the madness of nannying. How nice to be able to just hang out with a good friend and not have to worry about how to get there. To be at home means to be able to be within reach (1hour or less) versus the former plane and bus rides to come home. So my friend taught me how to make lasagna :) I'd been meaning to learn for a while now.

i resigned today

it was both easier and a lot harder than i imagined. yes, this is my entire post.

...continued

so yesterday though at 1am(?) i was too tired to write, i was not too tired to get into a 2.5 hour convo with Sweetheart that went into 4:30AM. sometimes i don't know why i spend so much effort on us. last week or so we spent 7 consecutive hours on the phone and all was well. last night he's not sure if he's happy.

the good thing about last night is that we got to air our dirty laundry. the bad thing is that we have a lot of dirty laundry.

i knew what most of the issues with us were, except for one and we talked about them last night.

the distance actually isn't the cause of the problem.
1. he thinks i dont take the relationship as seriously as he does; that his feelings for me are stronger than mine for him
2. he thinks i dont value his opinion or ask for it ever.
3. i keep in touch with "exes". i quote the term cuz to me the ppl i keep in touch with are not a big deal, and this issue actually surprised me. the issue to me is that this non-issue to me is an issue to him.

Issue#1- ouch. i can't fix that, i show my emotions how i show my emotions. and yeah, we've both been burned pretty bad before so there's a lot of complex baggage intertwined to this issue.

Issue#2- so much of what has happened lately involves my career dilemma. he JUST now got his first corporate job, i on the other hand have dealt with my corporate world for two years full-time and two years before that during summer internships. he takes it personal that i dont ask for his advice or dismiss it as too simple. i do openly admit to him that i dont ask for his advice cuz i ask it of people who are in situations more similar to mine, or have more experience than i do. he started his first 'real' job a month ago. and even so, the company he
works for i know has a very different culture than where i work

Issue#3- is he serious?! on principle alone i get so mad that this is an issue and just want to stop speaking to him for having to justify myself. as independent as I am and as loyal as I am he is crazy to bring this up. it's a guy ego thing, apparently cuz he has no reason to explain why he doesnt like it other than it just annoys him. he's never asked me to not speak to my exes but i feel that now everytime I mention a friend as a "he", the suspicion in his voice is obvious. he's never kept in touch with an ex and is convinced that exes that keep in touch are because they will get back together. he also really thought last night that i like call one of my exes regularly for advice. was he really serious? if i remember bdays and for some major holidays i might send an email.

but why does all this even matter? in a few weeks i may just go home for a new job anyway, so he and i wouldn't be a couple ANYWAY. this is so stupid. and no, im not gonna be eloquent about it, it's just stupid. and i get mad cuz it's a big deal to me, but i reason that it shouldnt be but it still feels that way. why am i fighting a potential losing battle, why cant i just cut my losses now- move home, move on, and start anew... aargh.

I don't even know where to start. I would start at the beginning but I'm not when that would be since so much has gone on lately and it feels like something constantly builds upon something that happened previously. So I'm gonna state facts as they are now and work backwards.

1. I'm currently sad and visiting my sister. These two actions are completely unrelated. A few weeks ago I thought I would visit Sweetheart during the holiday weekend. But I also thought I'd be taking a job with my current employer, hence I'd be living closer to Sweetheart and farther away from my family. So after telling Sweetheart that I'd visit him, I changed my mind after much internal conflict and chose to visit my sister and my nieces and nephews instead. I wasn't sure where I'd actually take a job with my current company, so the possibility of the opposite happening - me living close to my sister and farther from Sweetheart (which would in turn cause our breakup and then I may have passed up on the last chance to see him? ). I ended up visiting my sister and when I told Sweetheart he of course, was upset by the decision but said he understood it (but I think he was just saying that).
2. I have a job interview in my hometown, and actually in the same neighborhood I grew up with. The site is literally four blocks from where I went to middle school. Of course, there's a fallback. I think I'm overqualified for the position and I'm not sure what the pay is going to be. I think it's in the same range of what I earn now- and not the pay I would be expecting if I stayed in my current company and got a raise before starting the new role. Also, if I'm going to live at home, I might as well try to go for a high paying job, umm, right? The callback was from a not-for-profit health organization, so I'm potentially missing out on a hefty piece of change. But then again, money does not buy happiness so why do I feel so insecure about accepting a job for less pay if it means living at home, something which I have been wanting to do for a few years now.

I could go on and on. but I'm tired.

An offer you can't refuse

I told my manager's manager that I was looking for external opportunities and a few hours later I had an extension on my current assignment and a month to look for open roles ANYwhere in the company (before I was just limited to certain business locations).

I am very relieved though still overwhelmed at the decision I'll have to make. Relieved because it looks like I may be continuously employed (and also medically insured!).

On related news, I sort of got the job I interviewed for about two weeks ago. I was told I was the best candidate but that the role had been cancelled.

The saga continues....

I hope I'm making the right decision. I'm going to quit my job and will do so gracefully as to not burn any bridges. Too bad I'm not exactly sure how to do this.

I had a job interview on Friday. I think it went well though at times who knows? It can be like a beauty contest. They could've already had in mind as to who their candidate should be and maybe I wasn't it. Not that it matters, I don't want the job even if I do get it. Many reasons and scenarios played in my head and it basically boils down to that I wouldn't be happy there.

Only good thing and I guess maybe a bad thing? is that Sweetheart and I spent seven consecutive hours on the phone on Sunday. I'm going to try to fly to see him after I quit my job. This goes against all laws of reason, I know. But I can't help it. I woke up at noon, called him because I missed him and got off the phone at 7pm because by then I was really hungry.

I've tried to work things out with my current employer. I really have. I have 18 days left this month to try to find a job if I want to be continually employed. I've cooperated with the HR ditz and have followed instructions on how to proactively seek my next role. Soooo, I'm back to my external job search. I had put it on hold cuz I was convinced something would work out. Hell! I even told Sweetheart about the chance of us living in the same state again, so we're kinda back at it, but "It's Complicated". And now, I'm back to looking at external opportunities that will likely have me move back home and away from Sweetheart.

I have some money saved up so in theory, I don't need to be continually employed and could take a month or two off, but I really didn't want time off. The idea crosses my mind now because I have no other choice and not cuz I want to. And I really don't like being forced or rushed into situations. I have so many ideas, every single second of all the variables going on in my head.

• Do I resign at the end of the month or not? I have a resume ready, and a resignation letter. And I've applied for internal postings (2).
• Umm, where do I want to live? Do I want to be close to family? Within driving distance, walking distance, one direct nonstop flight distance.
  
• How do I tell Sweetheart if I end up telling him that this time for good, I'm leaving for home and we won't be together anymore. Or wait, maybe we CAN do it long distance?
• Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
  

the day after

So I feel a tiny bit fraction better today. I was gonna write about all his not so good qualities as a way to make myself feel better about not being together, but I think I'm too old for stuff like that. Besides, he finally did respond to my email about an hour ago. It took him over 12 hours to reply, not because it took him over 12 hours to check his email but because I know he read it and then debated it with himself and also his friends as to whether or not he should respond. I knew he would debate it with his friends, I was afraid they might actually read what I had written so I censored some of what I wrote after dropping him off at the airport.

It was good hearing from him. I thought about him a lot today and am very happy to hear that his first day on the job went well.

I hate myspace and facebook. I checked his myspace throughout the day and when I noticed that he took me off his top list, I wanted to cry but I got mad instead. I went from #1 to #8. But today I'm at #6. Whatever that means. On facebook, I lost my "In a relationship with..." status. Now that one hurt, because it's so public. Damn social networking sites! Damn them.

I don't know how I of all people fall for it every time. I have been accused of being too logical and overly practical, when I go on a shopping "splurge", it is sometimes planned. But all this diligence goes out the window when I meet a guy. Sweetheart and I broke up today. Well actually, I broke up with him, something I've never done this way before.

In the past, relationships have ended by the doing of the other person, usually referred to as Asshole#1,2,and so on. Or the end has come after such a downward spiral, that there was no arguing whether or not it was the right thing to do. But this time around, it was a bit different.

I can rate men using my favorite cookie: oatmeal raisin. First you either know my favorite cookie or you dont- because you don't ask because you don't care or maybe we don't know each other well enough to have it come up in conversation. But even when you do know I like oatmeal raisin you can take one of two actions- do nothing or do something. Let's explore do something - the obvious nice action would be to pick up some at the store. This I've had done and it's tremendously sweet and thoughtful. But for the first time, I actually had someone bake me oatmeal raisin cookies, and they were not half bad! Of course, Sweetheart had to do this on the same weekend we break up.

Sweetheart and I have had a long distance relationship for most of this entire year. In the first two months we met, we lived in the same state but two hours away- doable. Since I moved, seeing each other has been limited to weekend air travel. Moreoever, I am moving again to who knows where in 4-5 weeks, and though I don't exactly know where to, I know it won't be to the same state that Sweetheart is in. I'm not against long distance relationships, per se, but I must say that the distance cannot for an indefinite period of time (from my chapter of Lessons Learned - 2006).

This long distance fact has been out in the open for me to have made a decision on it earlier, but I couldn't. About a month ago it was somewhat "obvious" that maybe we should break up but I simply did not. Though we did and that lasted for maybe 12 hours? I hate to admit that I probably have more feelings for him than what I would like to admit. And I can probably speak for him and say the same. It sure takes one to know one.

I'm not going to say things were perfect and there was nothing aside from distance that we argued about. But I must say that I do not feel right about the break up. I do think it's better for us in the long run not to continue to get attached further and have feelings grow even deeper when we don't know when/if we'll be within driving distance again. Given both our career aspirations, this does not seem likely.

Man, I hope I don't regret this. But I guess the feelings of doubt are normal for the first few days. I must say, the first cut truly is the deepest. I am extremely sad as to how things have turned out, but at the same time, I feel more prepared to handle this heartbreak than others in the past. The first time I had my heart broken, what a pathetic sight I was. I really had no idea what to do, how to react, would I ever love again? Would anyone ever love me? Would his friends still talk to me? Should I speak to people that I had met through him? etc.I really felt as though my world had come to an end.

Today, not so much. I know that with time things will turn out better. Hopefully. I mean, when I think about to what I was up to at this same time last year, horricious! I was about 2 months away from getting my heart broken for the first time in a long time. And here I am now. At it again. I think I'm feeling this wave of optimism because I went to my very first wedding ever 2 weeks ago. A college friend got married and oh man, I remember the days when she had no husband in sight. I'm not saying I'm looking for a husband, but I do enjoy romantic relationships, and I look forward to finding the right person again one day.

A lot has gone on since I last wrote, but you wouldn't believe me because umm, I haven't written anything! I have so many stories and anecdotes on a day-to-day basis but then I get home and read other people's blogs and then neglect my own.

Let's start with the juicy stuff. Again, out of nowhere, who beckons? Why The Great Pretender of course. Gotta admit, I guess I have a good heart somewhere because my first instinct was worry. He called me twice, back-to-back - I clicked "ignore" and sent both of his calls directly to voicemail. He always leaves a message, casual as can be, as if we are friends who speak regularly. Since he didn't leave a voicemail, I thought that would be the end of the phone tag, he has got a clue and will not contact me again. (He contacted me a few times in December, then on my birthday, and then again a month later- I never picked up). Wrong. He texted me and it almost seemed urgent. I debated contacting him because just what if something was wrong and it was some sort of emergency? I then came to my senses and thought, hey, if it's an emergency, the text would've said so, instead it just said "Please call me." That falls under either polite or desperate, not urgent.

But just in the event that it was an emergency and I would not feel bad for being cold later, I texted him "r u ok, is dis an emergency". Response: Just call me! Action taken: Message deleted.

Next:
My manager at work has gotten a series of bad hair cuts, each one worse than the last. She first cut her hair about 3 times in two months. I noticed every haircut though it started out subtle but havent commented cuz umm, they look BAD.


One day I overheard her comment that no one's noticed her recent haircuts. The guy responded with 'maybe it's because people wouldn't think it's professional.' What a good coverup! The real reason is because if you do notice her new haircuts, you would just know how bad they are and would be at a loss for words.

Oops, she did it again. I came in one morning and when I walked past her desk I had to stop. That bad. This time because she cut a lot off and it's so short I guess people were forced to comment. Someone quipped at her that she looked like Tinkerbell, or that she reminds him of a pixie. I think he was trying to mask his real feelings with humor. In reality she looks more like Peter Pan.


Lastly:
Job hunt is stressful. This deserves its own post. I have to decided in the next two weeks what I'll be doing for the next oh, 3 years of my life- where I want to work, live, you know, nothing big.

I broke into my apartment today. I locked the door to leave to work this morning and then realized that I had neither my apartment, nor my car keys on me. None of this would have happened if I didn't have to go to work on Mondays.


I thought I had a spare car key in my bag, but I didn't. I thought the guy upstairs maybe hadn't left to work yet. His place connects to mine, so I could've gotten in that way, but he had already left. And I didn't have his cellphone number.

I took a rock and thought that if I threw it would bounce back. So instead I smashed one of the window panes on the door with the rock. I gave myself some minor cuts on my wrist, hand, and finger. Great, if the bleeding on my wrist hadn't stopped I would've had to explain to someone at a hospital that I
wasn't suicidal.

I love this so much. Every weekday I have to leave it to go to work. Just five more minutes, please.

My Visual DNA

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2006....BANG

Oh my goodness, I cannot believe what I am about to write. I went to the movies with Twin. After watching the horrible movie I swore I'd never let her pick another movie again. I love her to death but when it comes to movie watching, let's just say that I'll pass on the popcorn.

Leaving the movie theater I saw a guy who caught my eye and I thought, "wow, that's the type of guy I'd go for". But since he was with a girl I walked past him and thought nothing else. About a minute later after walking a block to get to Twin's car, guess who approaches me? He stopped me to compliment my hairstyle and I couldn't help but notice how gorgeous he looks head-on (as opposed to just his profile). I didn't exactly put up a fight. He asked what I'd be doing on New Year's (this was just before Christmas) and told me to hold the date.

I could go on into gushy details but I'll spare them for now and just say that he's interesting, oh-so-handsome, charming, patient, educated and has really soft lips. (oh, and that girl was his sister, he went to the movies with her and his nephews)

New Year, New ???

Looking back at a previous post, I see something not exactly foreign to me: to do lists. I hate them.

This year I'm going to get rid of them to the best of my ability. I can't eliminate them fully since that's how I get stuff done at my job:endless to do lists.(That's probably why I hate them so much now). But I will try to take it easier this year. I actually meant to do this sooner, I didn't want to wait until a "new year" to get started on something, I think I am very capable of renewing my sense of whatever-the-word-I'm-looking-for-now at any given time.

<-- There I go, making things harder than they need to be again. Okay, so I'll start now cuz it's a new year.

Outside of work, how am I gonna get things done without a list? Simple. If it doesn't need to be taken of immediately, it will wait, and whenever I get to it, I'll get to it. Let's see how long this all lasts.